on God and near-death experiences

So, supposedly, after we are dead,  some of us will be asked by God what we have learned and some of us will be asked by God what we have done with our lives, or, in our lives.

What I wonder is if I should not have been born at all or in the family in which I was born.  It seems like things God is presumed to hope would happen or alleged to have hoped would happen do not happen and moreover, people at times give me messages supposedly from God which do not come to pass and seem to not even be close to coming to pass.

I was born in a family with parents who did not know God and I had no friends when I was growing up who knew or claimed to know God, as best I can recall, with the exception of some people who claimed to know God but who did not know God as best I know.  Or, if they knew God somewhat, it is so unclear to me that I cannot say if they knew God, or, as an alternative, if they knew God so poorly that no one should imitate them if they have a choice.

If God had wanted me to accomplish something more than I mention below, why was I born to people who did not know God and among people who did not know God?  It seems like whatever God or I might have been thinking, before I was born, that it was destined to fail, if it was something larger than david smiles at times, prays at times for friends and acquaintances and hopes things work out after death.

Supposedly some people have near death experiences and experience their choices or decisions to be born or the discussion or events that led up to their births.  Was I expecting something good or great, something that was also an unreasonable expectation?  Was I hoping for something that was like success in throwing the dice for craps?  Should I have abstained from choosing or agreeing to be born into a family and one or more  neighborhoods of spiritual darkness?

It is reported in some near-death experience accounts that some people experience again the process of being conceived or their deciding to live on earth.  So, I write with the assumption that I or others made decisions before I was born, for me to be born.  Some near-death experiences also suggest that we may live on earth more than once, but that is a separate question from the question of a person deciding or agreeing to live, before he or she is born on the earth.

Prior to my being 19 or 20, I do not recall having met anyone who claimed to know God, other than some people who obviously, in retrospect, also believed some very bad distortions and falsehoods about God.

If God was expecting me to do something significant for him or if I was expecting to have a significant or meaningful life, should I have abstained from being born in a family of persons who did not know God and lived in a neighborhood of persons who did not know God?

If God was expecting me to minister, then, it seems like it was a mistake to have been born in a family in which the parents did not know God and to have grown up in a neighborhood in which no one else, reportedly, so far as I knew, knew God.

If it is significant and meaningful to God that I at times pray, then, why do several people who give me messages they allege to be from God promise various things larger and seemingly better than, “While you are alive, you will pray some, and that is a great thing though nothing in particular will seemingly come to pass that makes a large difference for you.”?  Instead, people who claim to have messages from God say, “God will provide” for your ministry or “God will provide” for some significant work . . . or “Your life will become a testimony of what God can do,” approximately . . .

Perhaps God gives people messages to give to others in which God makes promises that sound big and great, but really, the promises mean that while you are alive, you will pray some and some person perhaps slightly known to you will be touched in some way . . . and otherwise, you will smile at some people . . . and otherwise, your life will seem ordinary and not consequential and you will have doubts it was worth it?

The other thing I wondered at times is if God gives messages to some people that God knows will not come to pass, as a way of hurting them and expressing God’s dislike for them.  That would seem unlike God who is reportedly all-good, but I at times wonder about and pray for understanding of a series of messages from several people, who alleged God would do various good things for me or in my life.  

Yes, at times I smile at people and yes, at times, I pray for a friend or acquaintance.  I did that before the messages were given . . . and it seems strange that God would expend energy to have a person give me a message that sounds big, good or great, and if it really means, “You will pray for some people and otherwise, surf the net, walk and wait to die . . .”

Does God regard it as a significant accomplishment that I have some dim awareness of God and have prayed some at various times, despite being raised by persons without God?  Maybe what God meant by my living being a testimony is that God will have convinced me to pray from time to time, something I was already doing at the time the promise was made!  Is that one (or two) of my handful of accomplishments, if there be any?  Is that something worth telling God about after death?  O God, I realized you might exist and I at times prayed, though what you may have hoped I would believe about you or about life I do not know?  I prayed some, at times, and maybe that is praiseworthy, although you did so little I would be content to not have lived?

I pray and at times I pray to know how to pray.  That seems to be one of several of my prayers that God has not answered.  I actually sometimes make a count of prayers seemingly more important or larger than others, which God has not answered in my lifetime.  The prayer, “God teach me how to pray,” is one of a dozen that has not been accomplished, from my point of view.

Maybe from God’s point of view, God would reply, “Well, you can read or recite or say the Lord’s prayer found in Matthew or Luke.”  Does that make a difference?  I do not know!

Now I would admit that God may or may not have helped me in two areas.  God may have helped me have some good ideas about how to make some money and if things go well, the income will increase over time . . . and God may tolerate or approve of my art appreciation of women and girls being pretty or cute.  I don’t know!

If and when I see some women or girls who are being pretty cute or fun, I pray that God bless them or God help them!  Perhaps that is meaningful to God, but I don’t know enough to know!  If it is not, then, why am I alive, if I may ask?

Is there some benefit to my being alive that justifies my being alive?  It appears that I was born as a blind idiot, spiritually speaking and then cursed in a number of ways.  It appears that I was cursed before, during and after various other people gave me what they said were messages from God about good things that were alleged to happen in my life or for me or for me to do.

Before I was born, did God or I expect me to have a life about like the life I have had, or did I or God expect something different?  If I expected something different, should I feel badly about a less meaningful or less blessed life?  If I expected a life like this life, then, what about this life makes it having been worth living?  Should I have abstained from being born?  Before I was born, should I have protested and said, This life you apparently want me to live seems quite poor.  Why do you bother me with offering me this life or asking me to live this life?

Of course, maybe before being born or conceived, I was very bored and because of my great boredom, I agreed to take and live a life that seems meaningless!  The other question is whether or not God has created or creates the universe and God has created or creates people because God is bored.  Whether or not God created me and the universe because God was bored is something I plan to ask God when I see him!

Does God give us lives of spiritual poverty until, when we are up in heaven and deciding if we should be born, we refuse his offers of lives that seem meaningless?  Is what I have learned in life that I should be refusing God’s offers or requests that I live one or a dozen seemingly meaningless lives?

There is the movie Dracula: Dead and Loving it and in the movie, Dracula is taking control over the mind of a slave, and Dracula says, I will give you lives and it turns out that Dracula means that he will give to the man he is mentally enslaving a desire and ability to eat insects.  

So, Dracula gives lives to people but the lives he gives do not seem very valuable to you and me.  I would hope that God does better than Dracula, as depicted in the movie, in giving us lives, but life on earth actually seems dull and pointless.  

Should I or others inform God that his promises, those made to me or others before I or they are born, are so flimsy that I want instead some solid promises, backed up by miracles or other down payments, in order to believe God about any given life I might life?  I don’t know . . .  However, if it happened that before my being born in this life, that God made promises to me about this life that were not accomplished, then, next time, I will wish to check God’s reliability and ask him for proof or a down payment.

Of course, I am familiar with the predictable excuse for the nonfulillment of the promises.  Some can say, “God made promises of xyz and did not state any particular conditions other than your going and living on earth.  Then you did not believe God properly, or did not obey God enough in general or you did not obey or follow God in some specific way or you did not pray properly or all four or three or two of these several things.  So, viola, most or all the things God said would happen that would be good did not happen and the fault is yours, of course!”

But my question is, “Before  I was born, did not God foreknow all the ways in which I would not meet his criteria for helping me much or in a way I would perceive as good and meaningful, to have a good or blessed or meaningful life.  If so, then, given that God foreknew my conduct, beliefs and prayer or lack of sufficient prayer, why would God make promises based on conditions God knew perfectly well would not be met?”

Maybe what I have learned is that, before being born, I should have told God no!  But I don’t know what the conversation was like, before my being born and what the alleged benefits and costs of my being alive would be, if any.  However, it seems that success in life is like playing craps, rather than any result being foreknown by the person beforehand.  Are the odds against you and you do not know how things will go?   Maybe God knows though God usually, apparently, will not tell you much.  Perhaps God always knows completely but does not tell you or I much.

Several years ago there was a book out called by the light, if I recall correctly.  There was a woman who was temporarily dead and was making up her mind as to whether or not to return to life or stay dead.  Supposedly she saw some image, depiction or screen which represented joy and sorrow she would have in life, if she returned to life.  And, partly based on that image or depiction, she choose to return to life, although there were other factors, apparently.

So the question I have, about such depictions, is, what is the reliability of such depictions?  What is the source of the depiction of our future joys and sorrows and how valuable or pointless they will be, and how reliable is that source?  I could be wrong, but it seems that a variety of persons who claim to speak for God repeatedly promise various good things and if they are specific, for me at least, they are not fulfilled in any meaningful way.  Or, perhaps they are yet to be fulfilled, and it merely seems, after 20 years of such promises, that they are not being fulfilled!  Perhaps people make promises to me about things to happen in a different lifetime!

Perhaps before I was born, God said, “I promise that something good will happen!”  OK, how certain is that promise and is it not also true that some bad things will happen?  Does the good thing that will happen as alleged outweigh bad things that happen?  Forgive my being a skeptic about such a vague promise.  Some good things happened in WWII also, together with a lot of evil.  

Perhaps God, Jesus or some aspect or facet of the universe says some things about your life, and then, after life, when the messages or promises are not accomplished, God has a ready excuse, prepared in advance!  Is God successful at being God, because God has several excuses ready and somewhat believable, after life is over and God’s messages or promises were not done?  I do not know.  

It appears that God makes promises which are unreasonable given the time and situations of my life, and given my knowledge, lack of knowledge and lack of wisdom and my personality, unless we assume that various of God’s promises are promises which will be fulfilled after death, when God will be able to fill in all the gaps of preparation and other parts needed for the promises to be done and to have any meaning.

Of course, however, I don’t really know if it was God who was behind the several messages alleged to be from God that people gave me, or if it was their overactive imagination together with at times inspired guesswork which resulted in, at times, the impression that they knew things by some supernatural means.

There is a waitress at Twin Peaks who says she has a fear of commitment.  Presumably encouraging her to think about or believe in God is a helpful step to not being afraid and not being indecisive.  However, if I were to tell her or anyone else to believe in God, do I also encourage them to not pay attention to messages that others will give her on God’s behalf, because those messages are often wrong and can be quite hurtful?  Would I hurt her if I introduce her to the idea of God?  I do not know.

Paul says we are supposed to not despise prophesying, but how do you do that when several messages have been given to you which seem to be, fairly obviously, wrong or not fulfilled?  What do you expect or believe about the next message from God, after the first message or two failed badly or seem to be meaningless, from your vantage point, at some periods of time?

So, if and when I am dead, do God and I have a conversation and it goes like this,

God says, “What have you learned?”

I say, “I do not know.  Should I have not been born unless or until there was a set of parents who could teach me to have a meaningful life?  Cause, with no parents and no friends who could guide me, in a way I would believe and trust, what were you expecting, O God?  One of a dozen sets of errors and mistakes and loss?

Before I was born, what were you thinking my life would be?  What was I thinking?  Given the absence of parents or friends who would  teach me about God in a way that would work out or could be reasonably expected to work out, what were you expecting?  

Why do you ask me what I have learned when I know so little that I do not know what to believe or what I am supposed to have learned?  I know so little or so it seems and possibly some of the things I thought I learned are not correct.  How was I supposed to know the things you were hoping that I know or would have learned, if I may ask?

Lets go back to what seems to be the beginning . . .  If I had not been born, would that have been harmful?”

If God had wanted something more or different from my life, then, should I not have abstained from being born in the time and place I was born?

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