There are periods of time in my life in which I have prayed to die from time to time.
I am somewhat inclined to be praying to die soon at this time. For what it matters, it is not related to my walks at Greenlake. I was raised with faith in God and praying.
From 1996 to 2010, there were six or seven large times that people gave me messages they said were from God, or what they said were a strong spiritual impression.
I don’t know if the messages were in fact from God or not. What seems to happen often is that people give me messages they say are from God and which do not come to pass. For several years that bothered me a lot.
Now I simply accept that alleged messages from God, at least whose message which are given to me, are likely to not come to pass.
Back in the 1990s I read a book of several near-death experience accounts. I believe the book was called By the Light. One of the near death experiences was that of Kathy Latrelle, if I remember her name correctly.
In this account, she had been abused and poorly treated as a kid and then was in the military and had to have surgery. During her surgery she was out of her body and reviewing her life and deciding whether or not to return to life or stay dead.
And in this account, if I recall it correctly, she sees some vision or chart or graph which represents somehow her future. And she sees in this graph some area of joy, if I recall correctly.
I don’t know if this vision, chart or graph was sufficient for her to decide to return to life or if it was her thinking about her dog Toofer, whom she believed would be put to death if she did not return to life.
Anyway, lets suppose that I were having an NDE like that of Kathy Latrelle and I saw a similar vision, chart or graph. I would tend to ask, “Who or what is the source of this vision, chart or graph? How likely is the prediction found within it? How reliable is the source of this vision, chart or graph?”
Suppose that the vision, chart or graph indicates joy up ahead as did the vision in the case of Kathy Latrelle. My question would be, “Is that certain or merely a speculation? Is this certain or merely contingent? Is it wishful thinking on the part of someone? Suppose I do not pray enough or do not pray in the right way. Will this vision, chart or graph still come to pass? What if there is a drunk driver who hits me and leaves me ruined or paralyzed? Does the vision, chart or graph account for those possibilities? Cause I have heard various sorts of reasons that alleged messages from God have not come to pass.
The same factors which lead to the various messages not coming to pass are likely to prevent this vision, chart or graph from coming to pass, are they not? So, who guarantees this vision, chart or graph?”
I have been through this situation before. Person A promises some something on God’s behalf and that something does not come to pass.
In the near death experience of Kathy Latrelle, she remembered one or several things which she had enjoyed. One of them was dirt-bike riding. But her joy in dirt bike riding was not enough for her to wish to continue to live.
Is there something in my life which justifies, from my point of view, emotionally speaking, living?
I am not sure . . . I am having difficulty of thinking of it! Of course, if I live and if I make some more money, I will pay some debts and give some money away . . . or give some of it to some useful causes, perhaps.